It has been a while since I last wrote my blog. A lot of good and bad things happened. I needed time to heal and to get back into myself. I got off the radar in order to have the necessary time to forgive myself. I made many mistakes lately. I just didn’t know how to deal with these so I kept running away. Very far, country to country. It has been a while since I felt so alive though. It is strange how sometimes our mistakes and consequences make us feel more alive than ever. I really don’t know where to start but I will try to do my best in order to finish writing this post. I will keep quiet to where I am now. Sometimes it’s better to give the benefit of the doubt and keep yourself safe from stupid judgmental people and situations. One time someone who I thought was my friend told me “Alex, never trust african”. He was an african, and he was almost certain right! Obviously generalizing is never a good thing. I have African friends who I can really trust, and they shown me their commitment many times.
However, sometimes the same people that gives you advice to not to trust certain kind of people (or culture) are the one that actually you should not be trusting. In other words it takes one to know one. Lesson learnt. I went through a lot of distressing and self disruption thinking that was all my fault and so I ran away as far as I could. I was so broke that I could not sleep for days and I kept wondering why I ended up to fuck up everything. Friendships, trust, enjoyment, work, collaboration, love, passion, human connections. I kept putting myself down for weeks. I after realized that obviously I make mistakes and I could make better choices in the situations life presented. However I learnt that sometimes people can be very jealous of the life you have. They misunderstand your friendly and positive attitude towards them. In Africa you got to be careful with it, overall if you’re a woman.
I am now trying to find again my way. I feel lost. Lonely. Lately also my body seemed not responding as I wish. I had terrible pain to my knees. I guess this because a few years ago I run in an accident with my bike but never really made sure if I was ok. At the time I was alone in a city where I did not know the language. How would I communicate? I just thought some rest would make things better. It did at the time. I realized just after that when I would overwork or not getting the right nutrients my knees had problems, which is likely when you travel country to country without stopping for a long period.
Now I am trying to find my way out. My way out from my old self and reborn. Trying to be better than I was. Trying to embrace my mistakes and let it become my strenght and not let it to definy me.
I am not ready to come back. It has been over half year that I am wondering around Africa and somehow it feels that is not the right moment to come back yet. Thanks to all the people that has been there for me far and close to my heart. You are everything I have got. My family, my safety, my support. I will never be enough grateful for the love shown to me lately. I am lucky to have all of you by my side.
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer”. Rilke